DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

Actually, in this case, it's questions plural. We received multiple versions of the same query. Here are a few examples:

1. What does a girl do when she likes someone?

   Well, typically, she gets chatty, even giggly, around him, smiles a lot and makes a lot of eye contact. Often she'll be the one asking him lots of questions and showing intense interest in what he says.

2. Should I wait until a guy makes it crystal clear that he is interested or should I give signals that I am interested so that he may continue to move forward?

   It's unlikely that you're not giving him any signals at all. When your heart starts leaning toward a man, it's virtually impossible not to give signals that you like him.

3. While I feel that guys should make the first moves in wooing a girl, I find myself having to hint to the guy that I like him. How do I know if he feels the same way about me?

   If you have to ask, he probably doesn't. Guys, like girls, tend to show their affection naturally. Even if he hasn't asked you out yet, or talked to your Dad about courting you, if he pays more attention to you than other girls in the room, sits next to you when the opportunity arises or asks you to sit next to him, and asks you questions that draw you out and seems genuinely interested in what you're saying, he probably likes you. If you respond in kind, and he's secure, he'll likely initiate a more formal relationship. Just be patient. It's his job to lead and if you jump the gun, assuming this role, you'll be establishing an unsettling pattern.

4. What does a girl do when she's attracted to a guy friend who has awesome character, a great relationship with God, and generally seems to be everything she'd want in a guy (including available)? How does a girl gracefully let him know she's interested and would like him to pursue her?

   It's likely you've already let him know you're interested (see answer #2). Whether it's been graceful, I wouldn't know without observing. I do love the book Pride and Prejudice for examples of what's graceful and what's not. Remarkably, Jane Austen captured the dance of courtship with universal characters — some who do it well and some who stumble all over the floor while stepping on their partner's toes. Nearly 200 years later, I find the story more relevant than ever.

5. How should a woman let a man know she's interested without being too aggressive? I do believe that men need to take the lead in relationships, but these days most men don't seem to want to take the risk unless they are "guaranteed" success. Do my signals need to be stronger?

   You're right that men want to know you won't let them fall flat on their face. So be kind. Be approachable. Ask him questions about himself: what he likes and what he hopes to become. It's likely you're already doing all this; more or stronger wouldn't necessarily be better. Unless you are painfully shy, chances are he knows you're interested. Now it's up to him to act on that knowledge.

6. It seems like girls need to let guys know they're interested, but if a guy isn't intuitive enough to see that you're interested (partly from all of those overly friendly girls), what can you do to let them know?

   Smile, be kind, find out what he's into and explore it yourself. Then you'll have something in common to talk about (and you'll get a glimpse of what he likes to think about). What you shouldn't do is ask him out.

7. How can I communicate interest appropriately? I'm a friendly person, so how is someone to differentiate between my friendly self and my interested self?

   Guys just know. You exude an aura when you like someone. Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's just the way you glow, but something about you virtually announces "I'm interested" without much effort on your part. As long as you're not doing anything to suggest you don't like him, I think it's safe to say he knows.

In most cases a guy who isn't doing his own part to express interest probably isn't that into you. Yes, there are some exceptions. You may be too shy and send signals that you're not approachable (like occupying the wall in a group setting with your arms tightly folded across your chest). If that's the case, getting some help from a mentor is a great place to start.

When in doubt, read the owner's manual. The Bible gives the best advice for relating to men as single women: be kind and practice brotherly love (Romans 12:10; 1 Peter 3:8).

Sincerely,
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

The youth groups that I've seen assume that all youth/young adults will get married when the emphasis turns to relationships and purity. I understand that we don't want to scare kids off by saying, "There's a possibility that God may have you single (read: a virgin) for the rest of your life." But let's be honest — that's what happens in some cases. Never, in all my years as a Christian and in all the books I've read and sermons/teaching sessions I've heard have I ever heard this addressed or even mentioned. Not even in passing!

I know many Christian people who would make great spouses and yet they are not married. These folks have put God first, they are (or have been) involved in ministries (both "professionally" and in the church) and are personally and spiritually stable and mature. By the Christian community standard, they've done everything right. And yet they remain alone. And while they are certainly not miserable, this is not their first choice — they long for marriage and family life.

REPLY

I think the reason churches assume that most of their young people will eventually marry is that most of them do: 90 percent according to the Census Bureau. (I wish I'd known that back when I was dateless and worried I'd never marry.) With such a high probability that someone will one day marry, it makes sense to discuss romantic relationships and sexual purity in that context.

Still, I'm sorry to hear you've never heard the issue of celibate service addressed. It may be that it's an underrepresented topic simply because Protestant churches don't have a clearly defined path for lifelong service the way the Catholic church does.

So how can someone in a Protestant setting know if they have the gift of celibacy? Dr. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, suggests asking yourself: "can I imagine going my whole life without the companionship of a spouse, without sex, without children and without being bitter about it?" If you answer yes to all of those questions, there's a good possibility you have the gift.

But what about those who answer no to one or more of those questions and are still single? What about people who are single beyond their expectations due to the circumstances of living in a fallen, broken world?

To them I say don't lose hope. It's never too late to marry. Pray boldly, seek the input of mentors and remember, "God sets the lonely in families..." (Psalm 68:6).

Sincerely,
Candice Watters

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.