DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

Most of what I have read recently on the issue of relationships emphasizes the need for family involvement and accountability. As a senior in college I live over 500 miles away from my family and over 60 miles from my girlfriend's family. Because of the distances involved I have not even met her father or mother. How, in the current era of moving around so far can a person stay accountable to family?

REPLY

The principle is not just accountability and respect for parental authority, but also mentorship, guidance, community and even blessing. These are the things that help give a relationship context, and they serve to tie a couple to something larger than just isolated couple-hood.

Parents serve as that first line of context, and when they are not physically present (due to distance, as in your case, or maybe because they've passed away, as in the case of a single friend of mine) then you must be creative in finding ways to fulfill the role they would usually play. You need to "adopt" some local parents who will fulfill that role (my wife and I serve in that role for one of our young female friends, who is in her 30s and both parents have passed away).

Take great care in choosing who that will be in your life — you want people who have a strong, solid track record of authentic faith, a vibrant marriage and family life, and who will take their role as "local parent" seriously. Additionally, your relationship needs a faith community context, so find a local body of believers that will be your extended family and get plugged in and involved in the body life. This, by the way, is the same advice I'd give to the single person who's not in a relationship.

Finally, 60 miles is one hour's drive. I used to have a longer commute to work than that. Load up the car soon and go meet her parents.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

What does it mean when you are dating a guy, and everything seems to click (chemistry, you have fun together, you like the same things, have the same opinions, laugh at the same jokes, and you get along great etc), but he tells you he doesn't want a "steady girlfriend" right now? Is he just being "commitment shy"?

REPLY

Maybe. If that's the case, and you want to move him off "dead-center," take Candice Watters' advice and pull a Ruth. It sounds like you're ready to take your relationship to the next level and give it some meaning beyond "having fun." Good for you. Don't fall into the mode of enabling his passivity by accepting the status of being a "non-steady dat-ee." Right now, he has absolutely no incentive to be "steady" with you. He's having fun, drawing emotional energy from you, without any commitment required of him. He's got it all. Don't let him do that.

If he truly doesn't want a steady girlfriend, but you want to be his steady girlfriend, then let him know, and, if he won't commit, let him go.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I'm a 20 year old guy courting a wonderful woman about 2 years my senior. Our relationship couldn't be any better right now. With her being in grad school already and my undergrad degree taking 4 more years, the talks of marriage are occurring more and more often, which is fine with me.

The only thing we are worried about is, we want to be married after I graduate, but I plan on going to grad school and I won't be able to generate the income I feel that a husband should have when he is to be married. I'm also worried about the effects it will have on how friends and family will view my girlfriend and I. I have no problem with her having a higher income, I just was wondering if it is wise for us to be married and in that kind of situation. Or should we just wait until I have finished my education? Thanks.

REPLY

Being the spiritual leader of a relationship does not necessarily equate with having the higher income, especially during specific seasons of life, such as the one you're describing. My wife put me through seminary, and now I'm putting her through motherhood. We're a team with a common goal: what is best for us as a couple and a family and what brings the most glory to God.

Yes, during seminary it was tough for me as a man to not have much income, but we were answering a call on our lives — together — and we both bought in. Also keep in mind that I wasn't just sitting around reading thick systematic theology books in my free time. I did everything I could to chip in — mow lawns, odd jobs, part-time employment — as much as I could do and still keep my studies up and my marriage strong (in fact I had to stay out one semester and work full-time to get caught up on tuition). If your fiancé-to-be is OK with the arrangement, then don't let it delay your marriage goals.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I recently graduated high school and began college. I'm at the point now, where it feels like friendships and relationships are no longer worth the time invested to make them grow. Being separated and growing apart from old friends makes me feel like I have wasted my time for so long. Friends I do keep in touch with disappoint me so much, that I again feel like relating to people is an exercise in futility.

Is caring for people either platonically or romantically supposed to feel like a blessing? It feels like a curse at the moment. Is losing and gaining friends, and the time spent doing that worth the struggle? Or are my expectations and priorities way off? Any encouragement would be appreciated.

REPLY

I've heard myself say the same things: God, why are relationships so hard? For one thing, God made us for community. Period. He built us for fellowship — with Him and others. That's one of the tools He uses to transform us into the image of His Son. Given that the last thing Satan wants is for us to be transformed into Christ's image, we should expect a little heat over it.

Isolation requires nothing of us and robs others of our life-giving gifts that God has given us to serve others. We are part of a body, the body of Christ. The hand just can't walk away from the rest of the body. If it does, that for which it was designed can no longer happen. It needs an arm, a shoulder, legs, torso, in order to function.

The iron that is being sharpened would agree with you: "This feels more like a curse than a blessing!" But once the sharpening is finished, it can then enjoy that for which it was designed, and that's the blessing. Yes, relationships are probably the most difficult stuff of life to navigate, and also the most rewarding.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.