DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I recently read the article addressing issues dealing with
single men and how they treat women. It was an informative,
straight-forward article which I appreciated. But reading it
stirred up a question in my mind.
As a 28 year old, Christian, single guy, I've heard this
message preached countless number of times. I need to honor
the girls in my life and treat them w/respect. I need to view them
as sisters in Christ. Great message. What I was hoping this
article would tackle is the question, "How does a single man deal
w/the lack of physical intimacy?" Although I am very secure in
myself and thoroughly enjoy the stage of life I am in, physical
intimacy is one of the areas that seems ... how can I put it ...
non-existent. However, the "male urges" are still existent. How
are single Christian guys supposed to handle this issue in a
Christ-like manner? I think the majority of us already know how
we are supposed to treat women. On top of that it's our strong
desire to give them the respect that they deserve. So instead of
us just hearing what we are not supposed to do, it would be nice
to hear how we can fill that seeming void that exists when we do
the right thing.
I think this unfortunately dives into the problem w/porn in
the Christian church today. Although I am not trying to condone
it in any way, I'm sure that many times pornography turns into
the coping mechanism for the lack of physical intimacy in
Christian single men. I already know and could teach the lesson
about the harms of porn, so that's not the issue. It's a battle in
which I already know right from wrong. Sometimes that battle is
lost. And I know for myself, one of the justifications that runs
through my mind is that this is one way to achieve the
facade of physical intimacy w/o hurting the "sisters in
Christ" immediately surrounding me. This in no way REALLY
justifies the act and guilt always follows. I may be the only one
that thinks that, but I guess I'm hoping that I'm not.
If this issue was tackled by a brave soul, it would be nice to
hear it coming from a positive standpoint of Godly ways to fulfill
that desire as opposed to an article coming down on the
graveness of pornography and uncontrolled flirting.
Thanks for taking the time!
REPLY
We've received numerous variations on this same question,
and I have much to say about it -- too much for one response
-- but let's at least get started. I could give you the standard
"flee temptation/be pure" answer and leave it at that, but it
wouldn't do you much good. Don't get me wrong, the Bible is
chock full of "flee temptation/be pure" instruction, but that
really doesn't get to heart of it. We're going for a holistic
approach.
I want to acknowledge John Eldredge for helping me
organize my thinking on this issue in his book Wild at Heart. I
encourage you to read it -- once now and again when you turn
40. You'll get a different message a decade or two from
now.
What is this illusive male "urge"? It is not -- I repeat --
not merely the sexual impulse or desire for
orgasm. The male urge goes much, much deeper than sexual
release. A man needs -- "urges" for -- three primary things: A
battle to fight, a beauty to rescue and an adventure to live.
Eldredge points out that all three desires are placed in a man's
heart by God himself, dating back to Adam. It's a theme that
recurs over and over in mythology and romantic stories. The
knight in shining armor fights valiantly for the noble cause of
the kingdom, defeats the enemy and rescues the damsel in
distress. From Cinderella to
Braveheart, the theme is the same -- a beauty, a
battle, an adventure.
We men desire to be that hero. We desire to live that
adventure, to fight that fight and unveil the beauty of a woman.
We think, but I'm not on the streets of Baghdad fighting
terrorists; there are no more knights or gladiators. I'm just a
regular ol' guy in the modern world, earning a degree or working
my job. There are no more battles to fight, no adventures to live,
no beauties to rescue. So we retreat to the illicit, and are
distracted for a few moments from our boredom.
2 Samuel 11-12 is a snapshot of exactly
what I'm talking about, the infamous Bathsheba Incident. David,
the once great-warrior, has quit fighting, even while a battle
raged around him. While the other men fought valiantly, he
lounged back home on his couch watching Bathsheba, someone
else's wife, take a bath (porn), and then used her. In contrast,
her warrior-husband Uriah wouldn't even think of
sleeping in his own house with his own wife while a battle raged.
His heart called him into battle. The beauty would have to
wait.
Satan's Big Lie to you, to every man, is that there is no
battle, or at least not one worthy of your participation.
Here, he says when he offers the illicit,
here's a little something to keep you busy in the
meantime, while you wait for something to happen. But
Scripture
disagrees, "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary
[tell me, if there's no battle, why do you have an adversary?] the
devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to
devour [nope, no battles here ...]. Resist him, firm in your faith,
knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced
by your brotherhood throughout the world." Let me ask you, if a
real lion were about to literally eat your heart, would you be
thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalog? No. You'd be
fighting for your life. Most of us live like life is a trip to the mall,
but, as Eldredge says, in reality it's more like the opening scene
of Saving Private Ryan (Normandy Beach, D-Day,
WWII).
Your adversary, the devil, is not merely trying to get you to
be sexually illicit, whether through sex or masturbation. The
enemy is trying to destroy your masculine strength, hoping to
distract you from battle against him, thus making you
ineffective.
He might offer counterfeit battles (a lifetime dedicated to
the accumulation of things), counterfeit adventures
(Jackass: The Movie activities), and/or a counterfeit
beauty (the detached women of porn and advertising). But those
aren't really the problems. Your urges are not the problems.
Your heart's deepest longings are God-given, but for them to be
fulfilled, you must get out on the front lines in the battle for
your heart.
Here's my advice: The next time you're tempted to satisfy
your urges illicitly (and married men, by the way, have the same
temptations and urges), let me give you a new image. Picture
yourself in full military gear, strapped head to toe with weapons.
It's scorching hot. You're on the wall of the castle, the center of
the kingdom, and inside that castle is its most valuable
possession -- your heart as God desires it to be. The sweat and
blood are dripping from your face. Your hands are gripping a
fully automatic 50 caliber machine gun. Your job is to stop any
enemy force that dare attack -- no, devour -- your
heart. Now, pull the trigger.
I wish I could grab every young man by the shoulders and
say, The battle! The battle! The battle! The battle is
raging, but it's not a battle merely against porn or any other
illicit behavior. The battle raging is for your heart.
Even as a Christian, your old nature acts as an insurgency. You
must fight that battle, every day. Your weapons are
spiritual disciplines (Ephesians 6:10-20), especially prayer and
reading God's Word.
Next time I'll look at some strategies for pulling the trigger
and engaging God's battle, living His adventure and unveiling
the beauty He has for us.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
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