IS IT GOD, OR IS IT ESTROGEN?

Dear Professor Theophilus:

Maybe you can help me. I'm a serious Christian, a college sophomore, and I've been dating a wonderful Christian guy for nearly a year. We've discussed marriage, and are both certain that we could be happy spending the rest of our lives together. However, we've struggled with physical issues. Though we've never actually had sex, to be honest, we've done everything but. In the last two months, we've started getting our acts back together. We're making progress in our individual spiritual walks, and we're finally both getting back to where we need to be with God, repenting and changing our patterns of behavior. We've found people who will hold us accountable, and we're trying to do what God wants. However, now we're faced with the question: How are we supposed to know if it's God's will for us to marry? I've faced questions about God's will before, for example when choosing a college, but this is so different because there are strong emotions intertwined. Do you have any suggestions for seeking God's will in a situation like this?

Reply:

Anyone might ask how to know God's will concerning one's choice of future husband. Because of your emphasis on sexual sin, repentance and your efforts to change your behavior, your question seems to be more pointed. What I think you're asking me is "Considering how strong and misleading my sexual feelings toward this young man have been, how can I tell whether the idea that he is the husband for me is coming from God or my hormones?" The answer is that you can't tell — yet. But you can after time. Here's how.

First the distraction of all those sexual feelings has to be cleared away. I notice that you don't say that you've got your act together but that you've "started getting" it back together. You don't say that you are walking with God again but that you are "making progress" in your spiritual walks. You don't say that you have got back to where you need to be with God but that you are "getting back" to where you need to be with Him. You don't say that you have repented and changed your behavior but that you are "repenting and changing" your behavior.

What this means is that you haven't done it yet. So do it. There is no "gradually" about repentance and abandonment of sexual sin. Don't put an "-ing" on these verbs — you have to stop what you shouldn't be doing. That means an immediate and total end to the use of your bodies for sexual recreation. Anything which sexually arouses — for example, kissing sessions — is out; arousal was designed by God not "for affection" but as preparation for intercourse. Purity also means a total end to anything that tempts you to the impure behavior, such as being alone with each other (even for prayer). Be together, certainly. But be together in public places, and with family, and with friends.

By the way: He doesn't have to agree to this. You don't need his consent to repent and abandon sexual sin. If at some point he says "This isn't for me — see you some time," you have your answer to the question of whether he is the right husband for you. That means he's not.

After you've gone "cold turkey" on sexual behavior, and kept it up without lapse for at least six months, I think you'll find it much easier to determine God's will without the distraction of excessive sexual feelings. I don't mean that you won't be attracted to the guy any more! You don't yet know how you'll think and feel toward him then; that's one of the things you'll find out. But whatever attraction you feel toward him will no longer be artificially and misleadingly amplified by all of that sexual behavior.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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TELL ME HOW TO STOP

OK Professor T,

I've been reading your previous articles about sex and marriage and premarital sex and everything else. But I have lingering questions.

I'm a college senior and engaged to my long-term boyfriend. We're both Christians.

After two years of abstinence, we recently began engaging in intercourse. We were confused and had many questions, but we failed to yield to these warning signs. I'm convinced much about our actions is wrong, and that we have got to repent and give this over to God.

But my predicament is ... we've been engaged too long! We have wanted to marry for a while now, but haven't, because people (parents especially) have been adamant about waiting until we were finished with college. I've read your article about people waiting too long to marry, and I believe that may have been the case for us. But we've already made commitments for another year of school and won't marry until I graduate.

What do we do now? We've already had all the "alone time" and sex. We truly believe God has given us this relationship, and we want to be married and honor His will. But we are not married yet, and we're confused about how to go back after crossing all those lines.

Many of my friends are experiencing the same kinds of questions about marriage and sex. My fiance and I long to honor our Lord. Thank you so much.

Reply:

I'm glad you wrote, but I don't see why you call your situation confusing. Though you're tempted and in turmoil, you're not confused. You really should stop telling yourself that you were confused before, because you knew then what to do; and you really must stop telling yourself that you're confused now, because you still know what to do. Just repent and return immediately to chastity. After all, abstinence "after crossing all those lines" is no different from abstinence beforehand; in both cases, it is accomplished by abstaining. Your feeling of confusion is real enough, but it isn't actually confusion — it's merely the mixture of emotions which arises from the impossibility of reconciling your conscience with what you desire.

You may be worried that returning to chastity is more difficult than remaining chaste to begin with — and it is. But it is not impossibly difficult, and there are things you can do to make it much easier.

The important thing is to remember that you cannot succeed by vowing to be chaste while remaining on the wrong side of all the other lines that you've crossed. To stay back on the right side of the chastity line, you have to get back on the right side of the other lines too. For instance, don't fool yourself into thinking that some mighty force of resolution will enable you to spend time alone together with your beloved without winding up prone, parallel, and palpitating. Between now and the time that you marry, you will simply have to observe an inflexible rule — not open to making exceptions, not open to further discussion, but followed automatically — to spend all your remaining time together at times, and in places, where there are always other people who can see you in the same room.

This requires planning ahead, but it isn't difficult to arrange. Of course it may be difficult to want to arrange it, but who said you have to want to? You know it's the right thing, so the only thing necessary is to do it. Obedience to God is possible even when our desires go the other way. If we are obligated to chastity (and we are), then we are also obligated to do what is necessary to preserve it.

The discipline of obeying God, even against your desires, is honored by God, and will pay dividends throughout your coming marriage. Trust Him; it's true.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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NOT THAT LUST — JUST LUST

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I would like to see an article on how to deal with lust. There are many articles on why waiting for marriage and on dealing with lust in dating situations, but none for lust in general. I have been struggling lately with lustful feelings for one of my colleagues. I can't just stop being around him because I must work with him daily with a school project. I haven't acted on my lust in any way, but my thoughts are overwhelming. I'd like suggestions for overcoming lust in thought, not just in word and deed.

Reply:

You got your wish. As you requested, I wrote an Office Hours column called “Ordinary Lust.” In the meantime, I suggested that you get the school project finished as quickly as possible, hold your project work sessions in public places, bring other friends along to them, avoid all other contact with the fellow, and continue to see your other friends. You replied,

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I was able to make it through the project without incident. Due to the nature of the project, we did have to meet at his house, but I always made sure his roommate was home. Instead of doing all of the project work in the bedroom, where the computer was, at my suggestion we did most of the non-computer work in the living room. Doors were always open, and I made sure to limit the time we sat next to each other. During breaks, I kept him talking about his girlfriend (that wasn't hard). Of course I prayed hard, and studied what the Bible says about the subject.

The situation turned out well. During the course of the project, my feelings changed from lustful to friendly. I didn't do anything impulsive, like tell him how I felt. Because of my major, it's hard to limit projects with guys, but now I know how to defend myself against inappropriate thoughts.

I didn't understand before how co-workers could fall for each other through partnering on projects. Now I do. I think God used this experience to prepare me to combat similar temptations that might occur in my future profession.

Thanks for writing back! I often wonder whether my advice does any good. You've shown good sense through this temptation, and what you've learned will remain with you.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS