Bilbo Baggins understood the importance of arriving for dinner on time. Ted, my new husband, did not.
He was late — again.
Tolkienites may speculate as to whether Ted was off on an adventure. After all, according to pre-Lonely Mountain Bilbo, adventures are what “make you late for dinner.” But the only adventure Ted could claim during the workweek was his there-and-back-again drive to the office.
To say I was frustrated, upset, and increasingly irritated at Ted for his tardiness is to put it mildly.
But it turns out our suppertime misfortunes were partly my fault.
Ted and I had never talked about what “ideal” dinner times would be in our home. In our premarital mentoring sessions, we discussed Ted’s general punctuality issues but had skipped talk of mealtime schedules. And neither of us initiated the conversation once we were married. Instead, I picked a supper time based on my upbringing, mentioned it in passing, and then assumed we were on the same page.
We all know what they say about assuming: Yep, it leaves a watchful wife sitting alone next to a plate of cold lasagna.
I wish I could say we solved our dinner “time” issue during our first year of marriage. We didn’t. But we did start working toward a solution.
Intentionality beyond the altar
Every faithful Boundless reader knows the importance of intentionality in dating. Or perhaps you’re engaged and diligently completing the pre-marriage work. Why? Because like Ted and I, you understand the value of preparation.
Intentionality in marriage is no less important, and few newlywed couples will argue that a couple’s need for purposeful growth ends at the altar. But here’s the thing: Losing momentum often happens by accident. It’s not part of the plan. It’s not intentional.
But that’s the problem: Intention goes missing.
Sometimes there’s too much reliance on that pre-marriage prep. As a result, couples take a break from putting in purposeful relational work. And while previous effort provides a strong foundation and the helpful tools to usher couples into the newness of marriage, the beginning of marriage is no time to rest on one’s laurels.
Every home has a “feel”
So what’s the solution?
One approach is to devise a plan before saying “I do” for how you will continue to grow together after you’ve tied the knot. The first step in this plan is to ask yourselves a relatively simple question:
How do we want our home to feel?
I recently came across a social media reel from Dr. John Delony titled “The Conversation That Saved My Marriage.” In it, he shares how his wife asked him, “John, how do you want this home to feel when you walk in the door?”
The way your home feels is directly impacted by the kind of marriage you have. For example, I want my home to feel “safe, warm, lighthearted, welcoming, and unwaveringly loving.” At the heart of this response is a desire for deep connection, meaningful communication, and healthy accountability and repair.
The adjectives you pick may be different from mine, but I’d guess your core desires are similar. If so, let’s look at creative ways to cultivate connection, communication and accountability/repair as newlyweds.
1. Establish shared rituals of connection.
Rhythms differ from habits. Habits are behaviors we practice regularly without conscious effort — like brushing your teeth or biting your nails. Rhythms, on the other hand, are purposeful choices that add structure to your day.
In the context of relationships, Dr. John Gottman calls rhythms rituals of emotional connection. He says these rituals provide
“structure to your life to ensure that bids for connection happen on a regular basis . . . [it’s] the one place you can count on having a significant exchange with someone you care about.”
One example of a rhythm to try is eating together. The Gospel writers record at least eight meals Jesus shared with friends, followers, and even skeptics (Matthew 9:10–13; Luke 7:36; John 12:1–2; Luke 19:1–10; Luke 24:28–32; Luke 24:40–43; John 21:9–14). Shared meals matter.
Shauna Niequist explains, “Food is the starting point [and] the common ground,” but what eating together is really about is “what happens when we come together, slow down . . . look into one another’s faces, [and] listen to one another’s stories.” In marriage, eating together strengthens a couple’s bond.
While Ted was habitually late, we still shared meals regularly; they just happened at 9 p.m. I encourage you to eat together, too. It doesn’t need to be dinner; it just needs to be a priority.
2. Establish meaningful communication patterns.
If you’ve decided to start the ritual of eating together, then you already have one opportunity to communicate built into your day. You can talk while you munch, but “Pass the Chick-Fil-A sauce” doesn’t qualify. Words don’t equal connection — just ask Ted. He’ll tell you that lately I’ve been uttering too many words and offering too little listening.
Establishing meaningful communication patterns requires intentional effort and deliberate choices that you repeat daily. An example of where to start: Outnumber negative comments with positive ones.
In Scripture, Solomon advises that it is “better to live on the corner of a housetop” (Prov. 21:9) or “in a desert land” (Prov. 21:19) than to share a house with “a quarrelsome wife” (Prov. 21:9) or a “fretful woman” (Prov. 21:19). King Solomon wrote these specific proverbs about wives, but based on teachings elsewhere in the Bible, it’s safe to assume that both women and men should rein in our attitudes and our tongues.
How can we practice this? A good place to begin is by practicing a praise-to-criticism ratio each day until it becomes a habit. Simply put, let your positive words outweigh your critical ones. Leadership experts such as Ken Blanchard suggest a 4:1 ratio, while marriage researchers like Dr. Gottman recommend a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. If this one suggestion becomes a habit in your relationship, Dr. Gottman’s research shows you’re likely to have a happy and stable marriage.
3. Establish a culture of accountability and repair.
When Ted and I got married, navigating conflict was difficult for me. I had never really learned healthy ways to handle it. Instead, my two defaults were to bury relational issues or bottle up my emotions until they erupted in an emotional outburst. Neither was good for our relationship. Fortunately, I was eager to learn, change, and do better.
Over the years, Ted and I have tried to establish a culture of accountability in our marriage. We do our best to take responsibility for our attitudes, words and actions when we’ve hurt each other. Are we perfect at it? No, but we keep making progress — and that’s what matters.
More recently, we’ve added the practice of repair. Dr. Gottman explains that a repair is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” For example, if a conversation is getting unnecessarily tense and Ted makes a joke to lighten the mood, he’s likely attempting a repair.
When you get married, you will have conflict. It’s not a matter of if, but when. You can begin to establish a culture of accountability and repair in your marriage by learning your spouse’s apology language. You’ve heard of the five love languages, but according to Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., it turns out that each of us also has a preferred way we want to be apologized to for it to feel genuine.
What are the apology languages? They are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change, and asking forgiveness. Many of us speak a combination of them, depending on what the apology is for.
Take the time to learn your spouse’s preferred language of apology. Then, when you experience conflict and need to be accountable for your part in it, you’ll be ready.
From dinnertime disputes to daily connection
I’ve only scratched the surface on rituals of shared connections and meaningful communication patterns you can establish. And as far as creating a healthy culture of accountability and repair, there are tons of resources available to help you.
Start by putting my suggestions into practice, but also take time to do research and brainstorm additional ways you can intentionally grow together in your first months and years of marriage. As you do, ask yourself what you want your home together to feel like when you walk in the door.
As for Ted and me, our home definitely feels less tense when dinner time rolls around. Nowadays, he is rarely more than five minutes late. (It helps that his commute is short. He works from home in his upstairs “cloffice,” as we call it.)
I no longer make assumptions about supper times or sit waiting next to cold plates of lasagna. Instead, I clearly communicate my expectations and we make clear plans. You could say we finally seem to have solved our dinner issues.
Copyright 2025 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.
