I went to a physical therapist a few years ago to help me fight migraines. As she worked on my neck and shoulders, she mentioned God and seemed to be open to spiritual things, so I invited her to visit our church. “Oh, I can’t,” she said. “I’m dedicating Sundays to self-care.”
Her response surprised and grieved me. I hadn’t realized just how broadly the self-care trend had spread. She considered herself a Christian but believed she could meet her deepest needs by looking inward. And she was walking away from God and His people to do it.
A dangerous self-obsession
In 2012, Tim Keller wrote a short book called “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy.” I’ve read it three times. I need to read it every few years because the pull of the self-esteem culture is so tempting to my sinful heart, and Keller’s message is so life-giving. He says the secret to joy isn’t thinking more highly of, or better about, yourself — but thinking about yourself less.
The women in a recent Wall Street Journal (WSJ) article feel so good about themselves and what they have achieved on their own that they’re not willing to give it up, or dial back on any of it, for the sake of getting married. That’s the conclusion Rachel Wolfe draws in “American Women Are Giving Up on Marriage.” She includes a survey of young women who say they’re happier than married women, and her subjects seem resigned to staying single rather than be married to “a man who holds them back.”
Young women have shifted their focus, Wolfe says, “toward self-improvement, friendship and the ability to find happiness on their own.” While they may still be open to getting married one day, research shows that women’s interest in getting married is weaker than it used to be and less than that of single men.
What’s driving this shift? Wolfe points to “huge and growing gender gaps” in politics, education, economics and purpose. Women report being more liberal than men, obtaining more college degrees than men, and out-earning men. A 30-year-old woman she interviewed was discouraged by how many men “expect their future wives to prioritize their families over their jobs.”
There’s plenty of evidence that women are outpacing men in many areas. We’ve witnessed a cultural downgrade of what men aspire to alongside the cultural project of empowering women, with mixed results. It affects women’s ability to trust and respect a man enough to submit to him in marriage. Consequently, women are tempted to pride while men are demoralized and scorned by the very women who wish they’d grow up.
If Wolfe’s report is representative, it’s scary, frustrating and discouraging, especially to Christian women who still hope to get married. It feeds the “guys are lame” narrative while overlooking the fact that women can be shrill, demanding and demeaning.
But it doesn’t tell the whole story.
Misplaced priorities
The women in the WSJ piece chose to date the men they later besmirched. They chose to live with them, pay rent for them, even have children with them. They are touted as brave for breaking up with them. But Wolfe never asked, “Why did you date him in the first place?” (Nor did she include any interviews with the men.)
These women seem to want the benefits of marriage but aren’t willing to embrace its constraints or even its purpose and design. One woman realized “she didn’t need a partner to be content” after she was able to buy a house on her own. Another broke up with her boyfriend because he envisioned her staying home with the kids, even though she earned 50 percent more than he did. For many of the women, the deciding factor was financial.
In 2006 I wrote an article about the marriage gap, when many feared there were too many single women and not enough men to go around. Today the fear is that the women are too good for the men who are still single. In a reversal of a long-standing pattern, more men than women say they want to get married and more women than men are leaving the church — the most likely place to meet a Christian husband.
The road back to marriage
If articles like Wolfe’s tempt you to stop hoping in marriage, that’s not entirely bad. God alone is worthy of our hope. But you can still risk hoping for marriage when you’re trusting in Him. He continues to bring men and women together in a one-flesh, till-death union for His glory and our good. Jesus taught the scribes and Pharisees that from the beginning, it was God who joined men and women in marriage. It was His solution to man’s alone-ness and He is the one who gives prudent wives to men who seek one.
To enter this kind of marriage you must become a certain kind of woman: seeking contentment in the Lord; growing in the fruit of the Spirit; being kind, patient, gentle, forbearing — not perfectly, but consistently walking in a manner pleasing to God. In short, you need to grow in maturity. This should be your focus. The path to fruitful marriage is the path of basic Christian discipleship. And there are things you can do to help it happen.
1. Think biblically.
It’s easy to adopt a warped view of what marriage is when you live on social media. Knowing, loving, and meditating on the Scriptures is the way to guard your heart from worldly wisdom — the sort of wisdom that says it’s better to stay single and happy than to lay down your expectations to become one in marriage. We need to drink deeply of the Word daily if we’re going to grow. We need to meditate on it, memorize it, and hear it preached weekly as members of a faithful church. This is the way we keep our hearts with diligence.
2. Observe lasting marriages.
Spend time with older, happily married couples to shape your expectations. They won’t only and always be happy. Twenty-seven years of marriage have taught me that like any durable partnership, marriage has its share of trials. That’s normal. The way through the hardships is seeking the good of the other and humbling yourself to consider where you may be wrong, selfish or demanding. The far side of confession and reconciliation is a place of deep contentment and joy.
3. Be prudent.
Prudence is an old-fashioned word. It means “acting with care and thought for the future.” In dating, it looks like rejecting instant gratification for long-term gain. Know your temptations and resist them. Be shrewd. The world, the flesh and the devil are conspiring to trip you up in “friends with benefits” relationships, or situationships. Avoid the sort of circumstances that keep you company on a Friday night but lonely long-term. Such things are not the path to a satisfying, biblical marriage.
4. Work as unto the Lord.
The world says your work and income are what define you, what you’ve earned, and what you deserve. God says work is a means for serving others, glorifying Him, and meeting your needs. Ask Him to rightly order your thinking about your career, your income, and your priorities for what you do with them.
5. Take up your cross and follow Christ.
Marriage was never intended for self-actualization, but for self-denial. Jesus, who came “not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many,” calls us to follow His example in the strength He supplies. He said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Mark 10:45, Acts 20:35). This is the heart of Christian marriage. Contrary to rom-coms and everything else in the romance genre, marriage is not, as author Gary Thomas reminds us, primarily about making you happy, but about making you holy. And holiness comes by way of sanctification, which is both glorious and hard.
How can a woman keep hoping that marriage will happen? It helps to stop thinking about men as a monolithic group. Do you have a dad, brother, pastor or friend you admire whose company you enjoy? He’s not the only one. There are more men like him. Instead of bemoaning men in general, pray for the particular men in your life. Be a friend. Seek to serve. Know their weaknesses, and love as you would be loved. Keep your eyes on the Lord and seek first His kingdom.
The desire for marriage doesn’t go easily or quietly by the wayside. Still, it’s easy to be swept along in the stream of disappointed, slightly bitter resignation. Thankfully, that’s not your only option. You can keep trusting our faithful God’s good design for marriage even as you put your hope in Him.
God promises His children infinitely more than what the WSJ suggests, merely “accepting [your] reality” and “making the best of a lousy situation.” Romans 8:28 tells us that “God works all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.” All things includes everything, even extended singleness. He will work even that — along with delayed dreams and dashed hopes — for your good. He is still saving sinners, men and women, and bringing them together in marriage. Keep trusting Him.
Copyright 2025 Candice Watters. All rights reserved.
