I don’t even know how to feel about the word purity anymore. I grew up in the ‘90s youth group culture of purity rings and True Love Waits. There was an extreme focus on purity that seemed to boil down to one idea: Wait until you’re married to have sex and you’ll prove you’re a good Christian.
Despite very noble and even biblical directives, a theology of purity was often muddled. The realities of hormones and a sin nature with its desires put what we should do and what we wanted to do forever in conflict with each other. The only solution seemed to be to get as close to the line as we could while hoping (fingers crossed!) we could still white-knuckle it to the altar with our virginity intact.
Today, things are different. Multiple studies report 90-97 percent of people have sex before marriage and 70 percent live together before marriage. Premarital sex and cohabitation are the norm, and the idea of purity seems like a dated concept that is nothing more than a personal standard.
If purity was unpopular in the ‘90s, it feels nearly extinct now. So what does purity (or the better, less-baggage-attached term may be sexual integrity) mean today, why does it matter, and how do you honor God’s design for sexuality when others don’t understand your commitment to it?
A commitment to sexual integrity can feel lonely
The first time I told a boyfriend I was waiting until I was married to have sex, he broke up with me. That set the stage for years of people questioning my decision and thinking I was crazy. While I knew my decision was right for me as a Christian, it was hard knowing people judged me, mocked me, or would even break up with me over it.
It’s not uncommon to feel isolated in your commitment to sexual purity, even among fellow Christians. The world normalizes cohabitation, casual sex, and shifting moral standards. Sadly, the church is sometimes silent in addressing sexual sin. Choosing a countercultural path can feel lonely.
Why purity still matters (even when others disagree)
It’s easy to think sexual purity is just about rules that need to be followed to be a good Christian. It’s not. Purity isn’t really even about protecting our heart or our body or the relationship we’ll perhaps someday have with a spouse — even though these are all good outcomes. At its core, purity is an act of love and worship. As God talks about His desire for people to live pure lives, including in relationships, it isn’t about being “good.” It is about demonstrating love for and worship of God. Jesus stated, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). A commitment to purity is one way to show we believe and trust God.
The root of the word integrity is the Latin word for whole or complete; thus, sexual integrity means our sexual behavior is congruent with our beliefs about sex. Our beliefs and behavior, when aligned, reflect the “wholeness” of what we know to be true. For Christians, this truth is clearly outlined in God’s Word.
It’s no surprise, then, that obedience to God, even in our sexuality, brings goodness and blessing. Setting boundaries for appropriate sexual expression and behavior helps protect us. Social science supports this. Studies show that cohabitation often leads to higher rates of domestic abuse and divorce, and casual sex consistently triggers physical, emotional and spiritual harm. You don’t have to go far to find someone whose life has been negatively affected by sexual sin. Its consequences are far-reaching and long-lasting.
Doesn’t God give grace to the sinner?
So where is God’s grace in all this? Is God standing over us with a scowl, waiting to zap us when we sin sexually? Or conversely, is He a sort of “kind grandpa in the sky,” willing to avert His eyes when we sin so we don’t feel bad?
God offers grace freely, but He also calls us to holiness. In John 8, the woman caught in adultery was immediately forgiven by Jesus, but then He followed up with, “Go and sin no more.” When we repent of our sins, we are forgiven, but that doesn’t mean we have a permission slip to remain in that sin.
If friends or a partner are challenging your commitment to purity, claiming God has grace for your choices, it is important to remember that grace transforms — it doesn’t enable. Francis Chan reminds us in his book “Crazy Love” that “God loves us as we are, but His grace won’t leave us there.” Or as John Mark Comer writes in “Live No Lies,” “God’s grace isn’t a license to sin; it’s the power to overcome sin.”
How to respond to friends who don’t understand your decisions
It is easier to follow biblical guidelines for sex in principle than it is in everyday life. As we navigate romantic relationships as well as those with friends and family, it can be hard to know how to respond to people who don’t understand a commitment to sexual integrity. To honor those relationships and our convictions, remember these four things:
1. Lead with grace, not defensiveness. We are called to give an answer with gentleness and respect.
2. You don’t have to debate. Instead of arguing, live out your beliefs confidently. Your life is your testimony .
3. Set conversational boundaries. If friends pressure you, a simple, “I hope you can respect my convictions and choices” is often enough. If a fellow believer questions your values, pray for boldness to have a conversation about what God’s Word says regarding sexual sin.
4. Know when to engage and when to step back. Proverbs 26:4 reminds us that not every argument is worth having.
Testify without preaching
There will always be people who don’t hold the same convictions about purity that you do. You cannot change them. What can you do? You can certainly speak truths from God’s Word — it has supernatural power to change hearts — but you can also offer a way for people to see Jesus through you.
Your life is a powerful testimony of your faith. 1 Timothy 4:12 encourages believers to set an example in purity, speech, and conduct, demonstrating Christ’s love through actions rather than just words. When your friends don’t understand your commitment to honor God with your sexuality, don’t try to convince them with arguments — let your consistency and character speak for itself.
At the same time, don’t compromise the truth. You can love your friends well without approving of everything they do. Jesus showed compassion without condoning sin, and we are called to do the same. Instead of trying to change their hearts (which only God can do), trust in the power of prayer. Then trust God with the results.
Obedience matters even when it isn’t understood or affirmed by those around us. Your faithfulness to God is never wasted, and He will use your witness in ways you may not see right away. Stand firm, walk in grace, and trust Him to work in the hearts of those around you.
Confidence in Christ
Again, standing firm in a commitment to sexual integrity isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it because it honors God. In a world that often dismisses His design, choosing obedience is an act of faith and worship. But remember, God’s commands aren’t meant to restrict you; they’re meant to protect and bless you. His ways lead to lasting joy.
When it feels like no one else shares your convictions, remind yourself that purity isn’t about fitting in — it’s about faithfulness. God isn’t asking you to follow the crowd; He’s calling you to follow Him. Every choice to honor Him strengthens your faith, shapes your character, and sets an example for those around you, whether they acknowledge it or not.
God sees and honors obedience. He knows the struggles, the sacrifices, and the moments when standing firm feels lonely. But you are never truly alone. Stay faithful, walk in grace, and trust that God is working in and through you. Your faithfulness matters more than you know.
Copyright 2025 Rebecca Hastings. All rights reserved.
